these last 4 days have been some of the longest of my life...

i'm stilling wait for it to pass.

it just sucks waiting when you can't find anything to distract yourself from situation.

i fail.

i want...

to go somewhere and watch the stars this week.

i really need a night to get out with some music, a blanket, and my girl.

this i've decided.

it shall be done.

also...

i think too much. and thus i worry too much. a barrage of thoughts sit in my brain like gumballs that rest in a machine until the little door opens and lets one out.

"colors bleeding, so deceiving... no I won't change, another thing, I cracked the bell, I tried to ring..."

at dawn

starts a new day.

it's a simple work of art, created by nature in response to earth's rotations around the sun. perhaps nature felt it the universal way to see the light and start anew. how fitting then, that we are awoken each day by this very force of the world.

soon I go back to school. soon I return to my "work" schedule on another semester closer to my eventual real career.

hopefully I'll have a clearer picture of what I want to do in life...
hopefully I'll understand more about myself...
hopefully I'll be able to offer something more to the world...

--come the dawn from this day next year.

it is all

it is only when you have the time to look back at everything that you've accomplished that you notice the true achievements.

my first college class ended tonight and looking back over this first semester* (*not entirely finished yet), I can already see how much I've changed for the better. I feel more me, I have more friends and I'm more informed about the world.

it feels nice.

cold feet.

dipping my toes into something different--
sailing on the sea alone,
playing silly mind games with silly tones.

I'm here,
I'm there.

sometimes visions will do,
sometimes waves...they break through.
well nevermind, nevermind, nevermind.

flush the happy slate,
deal with the reality,
pick my destination and
choose a date.

I'm here,
I'm there.

setup and setdown,
sunup and sundown,
showup and falldown.

the water's a callin'.

five w's

I stared at myself a half-hour ago while brushing my teeth. If only movies were real and in a split-second I would transform from 18-year old Brendan to 28-year old Brendan brushing his teeth in a different mirror somewhere.

I dream, I think. I'm obsessed with who I will be.

who?
what?
where?
why?
with?

It's been an introspective Saturday night.

October's gone, November's here to stay.

Busy busy past month. Between my first-ever college midterms, Treasure Island Year 3, Halloween, and a few trips back home, I rarely even had a chance (or desire) to sit down and type out a blog post.

But now that October has passed, I feel that I should catch up with the internet.

Dear internet,

I missed you.

Sincerely,
me

What's on my mind lately you ask? My future. Where I am in life. All of that.

I think I can blame the first semester of GE classes for such thinking, because in the past week I dipped my feet into other options for school. Specifically the Academy of Art/Art Institutes of SF. I'm bored right now at GE and feel like I should be working on something I want to do.

That is, until I slept on the thought and woke up the next day to realize that even if I was at an art school, god knows if I'd want to be there setting in stone what I want to do in life. A great Swedish man reminded me yesterday that no one has any idea what they want to do at 18.

It's just that when you're 18 and bored with what you're doing, you start to think a lot about what you want to do. The same Swedish man also talked to me about his career choices. He finished school and started a career with his chosen major, only to realize that he didn't want to be stuck in that field for the rest of his life. Thus, he went back to school for a different focus.

In short, I need to slow down and realize that - HOT DAMN - I'm only 18 and have thousands of options still in front of me. So for now, I think I'll stick it out at the ol' SF State and get my GE two years out of the way before I reconsider switching schools.

Cheers to November, I need this to be a good month.