it is all

it is only when you have the time to look back at everything that you've accomplished that you notice the true achievements.

my first college class ended tonight and looking back over this first semester* (*not entirely finished yet), I can already see how much I've changed for the better. I feel more me, I have more friends and I'm more informed about the world.

it feels nice.

cold feet.

dipping my toes into something different--
sailing on the sea alone,
playing silly mind games with silly tones.

I'm here,
I'm there.

sometimes visions will do,
sometimes waves...they break through.
well nevermind, nevermind, nevermind.

flush the happy slate,
deal with the reality,
pick my destination and
choose a date.

I'm here,
I'm there.

setup and setdown,
sunup and sundown,
showup and falldown.

the water's a callin'.

five w's

I stared at myself a half-hour ago while brushing my teeth. If only movies were real and in a split-second I would transform from 18-year old Brendan to 28-year old Brendan brushing his teeth in a different mirror somewhere.

I dream, I think. I'm obsessed with who I will be.

who?
what?
where?
why?
with?

It's been an introspective Saturday night.

October's gone, November's here to stay.

Busy busy past month. Between my first-ever college midterms, Treasure Island Year 3, Halloween, and a few trips back home, I rarely even had a chance (or desire) to sit down and type out a blog post.

But now that October has passed, I feel that I should catch up with the internet.

Dear internet,

I missed you.

Sincerely,
me

What's on my mind lately you ask? My future. Where I am in life. All of that.

I think I can blame the first semester of GE classes for such thinking, because in the past week I dipped my feet into other options for school. Specifically the Academy of Art/Art Institutes of SF. I'm bored right now at GE and feel like I should be working on something I want to do.

That is, until I slept on the thought and woke up the next day to realize that even if I was at an art school, god knows if I'd want to be there setting in stone what I want to do in life. A great Swedish man reminded me yesterday that no one has any idea what they want to do at 18.

It's just that when you're 18 and bored with what you're doing, you start to think a lot about what you want to do. The same Swedish man also talked to me about his career choices. He finished school and started a career with his chosen major, only to realize that he didn't want to be stuck in that field for the rest of his life. Thus, he went back to school for a different focus.

In short, I need to slow down and realize that - HOT DAMN - I'm only 18 and have thousands of options still in front of me. So for now, I think I'll stick it out at the ol' SF State and get my GE two years out of the way before I reconsider switching schools.

Cheers to November, I need this to be a good month.

there are times...

When I go out into a perfectly creative situation and don't feel the flow. I went to bed last night with the plans to go out and photograph the city today. I woke up on time, I showered, I ate a good breakfast, and I had all the time in the world to shoot pictures - anywhere I felt like going.

Instead, I took a few and lost interest. My photography-eye felt blind.

Still, I do have a few I'm uploading from today. But know that none of them I feel really good about (sometimes you shoot a set and come back with one or two in mind that you really are happy with). There's always next time.

As always, they're over at my photostream on Flickr.

I feel more creative now though so maybe I'll work on fixing my extremely large banner picture on this blog. Yes, I'll do that.

ohhh but I stayed...

I'd love the power to control time.

I could move past boring/time-consuming things, and slow down to enjoy the good times longer.

Just think about all the ramifications, I'll wait.

Done yet? No?

Now? Mmkay, there. It's a lot to think about huh?

I want nights like tonight to last longer.

I love the feeling of not having to be anywhere.

I love being with her.

I love lots of things.

black holes and revelations...

I don't remember the quote exactly, but I remember the message almost everyday.

A few months back a good friend's Dad spoke some words that have rung true nearly each day since.

Not word for word, but the general gist:

"Life's not about all this shit here [material possessions], because that's all it is -- shit. Life's about all of the relationships and interactions we have with the people we love and the people around us."

It's my second week in the sprawling city of San Francisco and in one week I've already made friends on the bus, friends at school, friends with the neighbors across the hall, friends with my roommates, friends with distant cousins and friends with housemates from Philadelphia. I'm realizing that the above words are so true when you're here. In SF, it's about the relationships.

That's not to say I haven't run across the bullshit here. Our downstairs crazy-bitch neighbor has called the cops on us once, and only 15 minutes ago pounded on our door (for the second time in three weeks) and yelled about being able to hear us "all night" while shouting other crazy vulgarities. Then there's the occasional rude bus driver. I haven't quite figured out how to deal with these folks yet, I guess that's the part left to figure out from the above words.

Do you consider that shit and move on? Or do you play along and deal with it?

I'm learning.

I Miss Town Tonight.

Yes, Dixon. Sounds preposterous, right?

I believe it's my boredom today.

August 30th 2009 -

-I woke up at 11 AM.

-I didn't shower till about 1 PM

-I haven't left the apartment today for anything.

-I failed at cooking hamburger patties on the stove (I think I got the wrong type of patties from the Safeway meat area).

-And I still have at least 5 hours until I sleep.

I'm insanely bored today. I miss Gen (already). And I want something comforting right now. Video games and the internet just aren't cutting it.

To-Do List for the rest of tonight you may ask?

+Laundry.

+Food (burrito run perhaps?)

+Read for class on Wednesday.

BLAH.

I did just make a tumblr account though.

(http://www.asceneaview.tumblr.com/)

but that's when my knife rises, their life ends and my life starts again!

I checked my e-mail today and almost fell over in my seat. A seemingly shiny new unread e-mail in the ol' inbox from MMJ management. Jamie Sampson, the band manager, passed along my e-mail to Mr. Jim James. His personal reply follows:

"hey brendan- guess what? it is NEVER too late....sure, we are fed these
bullshit myths that genius only comes from troubled drugged out souls with
unfortunately short lifespans like jimihendrix or cobain...but that is a load of
bullshit....some people dont create the work they are most well known for until
they are in their 50's or later like hemmingway...and look at modern bands like
radiohead, those guys didnt really start making their groundbreaking shit till
they were in their mid-30's, my favorite john lennon songs are the ones he wrote
later in his life, once he had started to truly figure out what it all
meant...every day is a chance to begin again, to become young again in every
way....the zen "beginner's mind" concept- if you keep finding new interests and
paths for your brain you can keep a powerfully youthful energy FOREVER. only
17!!!! you are just a fetus my friend, a developing embryo!!!! and id say the
same thing to you if you were 50!!! it is never too late....just do what you
want and what moves you and have fun with it. good luck to you my friend! yer
pal jim"

I'm not quite sure where to start or even what to start doing, but I do plan on giving music at least some shot. Whether that be in the form of a music studies class/guitar lessons/or even looking into producing music, it'll be something.

Jim's reply further establishes 3 things:

1. The man cares about all things/people involved in music.
2. He believes in the power of creativity at any age.
3. He'd make an awesome parent.

i want to thank you, for all that you are

My Morning Jacket recorded a few of their albums inside of an old grain-silo. Both for the sound and the place.

I've always wished that I could be a fly on the wall during one of their recordings. To put a song together with others must be the ultimate "all from scratch" piece of work possible. Life experiences and emotional pain onto paper, words into singing, melodies made through instruments, and finally recording it together.

It has always been my biggest regret that I didn't take band in school while growing up.

For some reason I always made it out in my mind that those were the nerdy kids that you didn't want to be. The kids who pushed farther than everyone else, when it really wasn't required. I realized a few years ago that those same kids are going to be the thinkers of the world. The ones that enlighten others the most, the ones that wrap their great ideas into great works.

With so much to choose from for careers, I guess what I'm wondering is if it's too late. I'm not much of a guitarist now and I've always pushed aside lessons out of sheer stubbornness, but I wonder.

I don't know what I want to become.

I know that I love music. I love art. I love the feeling that a piece of art can inspire others.

I just don't know where to go with that.

I just sent off an e-mail to the MMJ manager, in hopes that maybe I can get some sort of response from the MMJ camp, maybe even from Jim James himself. I simply asked, is it too late? I know that people say "it's never too late", etc. in response to questions like the above but I really want to hear it from someone who has done it. Someone who has been what I've only dreamed of becoming. Someone capable to inspiring others, like myself.

I'll keep you updated on whether or not I received a response.

i woke up early this morning with a new state of mind-

-a creative way to rhyme.

As much as I've come to hate Mr. Kanye West, the above lyrics have always been some of my favorites (from his song, "Family Business").

There are truly days where you wake up and things just go your way all throughout the day. You're in rhythm, in sync, in luck, and in tune.

today

was one of those days.

I feel like instead of the little details today, I'm going to remember the big ones. I mean, fuck it's been a perfect day.

(amazing love, buzzed while shooting guns in the country, big burritos, swimming with pals, perfect carnitas, dollar scoop, and lots of meteors.)

I'm nervous. Scared. Unsure. But...hopeful.

I've kept myself grounded for as long as I possibly can, and

I think I'm ready to liftoff.

May the good times continue.

thought time

Tonight is one of "those" nights. The kind of night that doesn't ever show up in a movie or a sitcom TV show. A night where you question what you're doing in life while you stare at the wall out of sheer boredom.

It's the perfect night to have conversations with yourself. To dream about what you want to do, to think back about good times, or to wonder about how things might have been.

In tune with the last option above, here are a few wonders crossing my mind's tracks tonight (presented in a weird questionnaire/response style!):

- What if I had grown up in a house with parents that were still together?
! I think I'd be less independent but may maybe more social. I've always felt like I missed out on some of the family dinners, full-family trips, and stupid nights of fun at home. In fact, I think tonight in particular would be much more fun with my siblings around. But I am who I am.

- Where would I be if I had not grown up in the quaint town of Dixon?
! Probably a Sacramento-esque town. Some mediocre part of that city. Can you sense the distaste I have for Sactown?

- Who would I be if I had not gone to that Ben Gibbard solo show at the Fillmore on May 18th, 2007? Or Coachella April 25th - 27th 2008?
! Since those were the two moments in my life that helped define me as a person (all via the love for music), I picture the no-Gibbard, no-Coachella Brendan as a frivolous teenager lost of all direction. He wears jean shorts and tacky graphic t-shirts from Anchor Blue in my mind.

- Where would I be going without San Francisco to fulfill my adventurous side?
! To not have had trips to SF as a child would also have to mean that my Dad never lived in the Bay Area while I was growing up. It's a lot to wonder about because he'd also be a completely different person. And thus I'd not have a city to love nor a father with crazy stories and super cultural hip-ness. I'd probably be staying around Dixon. I defined myself as a city for the "Who I Am" English project at the end of the school year, so I'm pretty sure I'd be depressed without SF. I'm a city dweller at heart.

I wish I had an acoustic guitar right now.
It's the one thing I find most exhilarating to explore when stuck inside at night.

(via Flickr)